No 1: The inability to Count. Usually manifested in inability to count scoops of formula. Results in multiple bottles – equal both in financial value and peace giving properties, being thrown down the kitchen sink! Options-start screeching “don’t talk to me” at husbands, passers by, the radio …or give in accept it – it might come back!
No 2: The Double Trolly Conundrum. Listen in Ladies. Its not your fault. The super markets need to SORT. IT.OUT. “Does, like, no one who makes supermarkets have children!!!?” Don’t they understand? Even the single baby mothers are usually trying to get the ‘child producing years’ over and done with, and mostly have two close enough together to warrant needing two seats!!!
One in seat, one on hip? Unsustainable.
One in seat, one in trolly (undoubtedly with the sole goal of taking individual bites out of every single apple, carrot and tomato you add… Caaaan you put it back!!!?) Unmanageable.
One walking, one in the seat. They can see you thinking about it!… OMG!!! ‘Child-mostly- likely-to-be-in-the-seat’ IS ON THE RUN… Code Red, Code Red. Child on the loose. Satsumas WILL die. Unfair, unsustainable and unmanageable!
No 3: The sweat. Breastfeeding? Not just leaky breasts! No no. You sweat. ALOT. Its natural fabrics and plenty of showers that you don’t have time for you my girl!
No 4: The keeping calm in the face of parking crimes (they are actual crimes!). You…yes you! The thirty year old business man who takes the last Mother and Baby space. You are a twat. An awful example of everything that is wrong with the world. …HOW. DARE. YOU!
If I could think of the perfect response without physiologically damaging my children I would. But I’v had no sleep for 4 nights so my witty repertoire of comebacks eludes me. For now you will have to settle for a steady… steady glare!
Lady unloading her van of pooches for “Walkies with Winnie’ … “Ooooh…but they are my babies”… NOT. FUCKING.ON. You too are now up there with Hitler and will be judged in the fiery pits of hell.
Safe to say If I were a superhero – this is what I would do!
No 5: The never ending social dilemmas
- Pregnant? Is it ok to park in the disabled spaces – you are now after all, so fat and immobile you cant get out of a car door in a normal parking space? Waddling about the supermarket with a damp bump from cleaning the side windows of the car next to you as you squeegeed your way out… it kinda does seem reasonable? Or a mother and baby space? Does the baby need to be ‘unattached’!?
- Mother of twins? The Twins birthday, would like to nurture individuality. Prefer individual presents! Little Jerome’s birthday from down the way – would rather give joint present if I am honest. A total of £3.25 on individual cards alone!?! Thats a MacDonald’s Big Mac!!! Fair? WHO KNOWS!!!
- Lovely social Coffee morning. Is it ok to ask someone to hold a child while you gorge on home baked chocolate cake? Probably! Ask for someone to pull your toddler away from final leaf on hosts bonsai tree because you are currently covered in your other child vomit and running for the nearest tiled surface? Maybe! ‘Oooh sorry Ruth, could you just bring Twin Two to the car with me cos he will go batshit mental if I leave without him but I cant carry both – yep – its raining… but either you have a batshit mental upset child for the five mins it will take me to wrestle this one into the car seat…. or you can just a get a little wet… Mmmh I don’t know!? Its tough! With people your ‘just starting out with’ (I.e non of your other friends have started bloody procreating yet #soselfish) how much is just too much to ask?
No 6: Hate for your social concious. Sharing is fun! (a lie!)
After 15 mins of persuading Twin 1 to give Twin 2 Flopsy Wopsy – you know what: the least, the very least he could do is look grateful.
Instead….Flopsy Wopsy has apparent lost the magical-crack-cocaine esk lure he had 15 mins back when you had a modicum of compassion and is dropped on the floor. … Now Twin 2 wants the ‘Action Sam’ Twin 1 is rubbing against the wall… of course he does. Do you need this in your life!?! Has there ever been a Twin murder over the sharing of Thomas The Tank Engine?
I literally dont expect to demand my best friend shares her car with me!
Sanity Vs Social Responsible Children Vs Sanity… Damm you social concious!
No 7: The ‘my life is so tough’ singleton friend.
I get it babies all bring there challenges, 1, 2, 17, your life changes and as is often the way all my friends with babies have had theirs one at a time. I love them all. But when they are not listening… . Honestly just SHUUUT UP! You dont have a clue! Having one baby would literally be a piece of piss, a walk in the park, a bloody HOLIDAY!
-It cries in the night: try having two that do that.
-Its clothes always need washing: I know!!!
-It prefers cuddles with Mummy but screams when Daddy tries to help: Try have two clambering across your boobs, elbows out!
-Oh she just wants to be carried everywhere… yeah try those soothing little hugs to the chorus of “Mamma mama mama mama mama mama” and the face of distraught toddler that you cant just pick up and carry everywhere.
Sorry, sorry, sorry, I know its tough regardless. But honestly, I am going to have to throw my water in your face if you don’t pause and have the good grace to at least acknowledge your comparative holiday of a life… Unless of course you have a toddler AND a baby…or had a single baby and now have twins… or if in fact you have 3 children all at different ages….and triplets… in which case I will have the good grace to acknowledge you too are a mothering ninja!
There are more – something you guys no doubt know about! Challenges you never knew you were going to face – right I am off to pull my trousers down and pretend to poo into a plastic pot… in a positive, non frightening, non pushy, and completely classy way! Bye! x