Dear Twins. Your behaviour is unacceptable.

Dear Toddler Twins.

I am writing to complain about the unacceptable levels of  bad behaviour currently ruining my life.

I have cited on at least 17000 previous occasions my objections to the following:

Throwing food I have cooked against the back drop of your screaming on the floor.

Your seemingly flawless ability to detect the levels of effort gone into afore mentioned food is directly proportion to how far you throw it. This is offensive and needs to stop. I will not feed you chicken nuggets every day despite them being easy to clean off the floor, unlike, for example fucking weetabix.

Constant unwavering, unending, nerve grating whining.

This tactic of yours is not only irritating but unnecessary. You may or may not be aware that there are two of you. This means that while one of you whining may be just about bearable, two of you doing it is not. It doesn’t make me want to help you. I have tried endlessly to teach you words to “help” you get your point across. Please for the love of god quit the whining so that I can be heard and this whole sorry and painful saga can stop.

The fighting.

If you were an adult you would be in prison.

I have watched you grow from delightful babies into fighting, biting, screaming banshees of destruction.

You seem primed to fly off the handle and attack anything in your path and it is breaking me. I did not raise you this way. You may well think that this is ‘part of your development’ and that you are ‘testing the boundaries’ and are ‘justifiably frustrated by the lessons of sharing, ownership and identity’. I also used to think that but in honesty, the more I look, the more I wonder if your just being a nob.

The ultimate insult is that despite trying my hardest to raise peace loving happy children if I rang the police to complain about this ongoing champaign of physical violence it is probably me that would look criminal – that or the policeman in the house would literally be the.most.exciting.thing.ever!


RIGHT…just stop right there. This one word of yours is very clever, but it is loosing its charm. Very quickly.

Do you want some more peas? NO.

Do you want some chocolate sprinkled with orange squash and sugar? NO (…your just saying it now!)

Have you done a poo? NO. (you clearly fucking have!!!)

Is it time for a bath? NO(…and your running away? WTF you love bath time… why oh why oh why must we perform this dance EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT????)

While I am starting to question if this is all my fault (have I been too authoritarian? Should I just tell you its bath time…OMG those contradict) whose fault it is, is not the point. The point is I am trying to give you a stake in your own lives and starting to wish I hadn’t bothered. Only last week I found you answering the television in the same way:

Tired of your old worn out kitchen? NO

Need more storage? NO

You need a Magnet Kitchen? NO NO NO NO NO

You are like a chorus of negativity in angles bodies. Please twins: PMA!!!

If you would like to have some independence could you please start exercising some control and responsibility over your replies otherwise I will be forced to “NO” living in the same house as you.

Acting like butter wouldn’t melt in front of everyone else.

Your ability to act like cherubic ‘Downton Abby Children’ is impressive. However, its use only at times when ‘other people are around’ is insulting.

Its just me. Just your mother.

I spend every single minuet maintaining your existence. My body literally made you.

Do you think that for one second you could save some of this good behaviour for rainy Sundays with me instead of wasting it on my mother in law?

Its not fair and quite frankly while I know we need these people to think your cute in order to get some help, I find it a depressing indictment on my character that you seem unable to be pleasant in my company.

As your mother, the person most vested in your upbringing I need you to help me help you.

I cannot do this on my own.

Please try and hit the “acting like reasonable human beings” stage soon. For all our sakes.

I love you.

Your Mother.IMG_5875


12 thoughts on “Dear Twins. Your behaviour is unacceptable.

  1. There is a reason so many “older” twins moms say it is inproper to take twins in public before the age of four. Lmao!! Im not sure twins behavior ever gets better!!


  2. but thy look so adoreable, but of course i do not have to look after them. Hopefully it will
    get better as they get older. xxxxx


  3. I love you…… this is me, especially the “Acting like butter won’t melt” it seems that whenever someone else is around they are angels…. I need to employ a ‘visitor’ who comes over whenever I need a sanity break, but I bet they would get wise to that pretty fast.

    Hopefully being three will make it a little easier…. I need hope….


  4. As a father of three year old triplets I have to agree with every point you made, both in topic and specifics.
    Particularly the game we like to call ‘act gorgeous and beautiful until it’s just mum & dad around, then turn into feral psychopaths’.
    Subscribing as my wife and I were in hysterics reading this 🙂


  5. Ruining your life?

    I’ll tell you life ruining. My daughter’s twin died. That is life ruining. I would kill for both my babies driving me insane. Be thankful for their acting out and realise how fortunate you are.


  6. My this made me laugh. I feel and encounter these behaviors daily and sometimes wonder if my twins were put on this earth to test my strength and patience. But then I love them to bits too


  7. My boy/girl twins are now 14 and almost as much of a handful as ever! They did stop throwing food eventually so there is that to look forward too!


  8. This is so spot on! My boys are three and a half and we are truly in the thick of it. As your kiddos start to get better at talking, you will likely find that they fight less. But it’s a constant battle to have them act like civilized human beings. It’s like the freaking zoo. I take a bit of pleasure reading this, as I feel like not so much a terrible parent, but just a twin momma of twin boys! Thanks for the laugh and encouragement.


  9. My twin boys are a year and a half, most of the time they actually get along pretty well but that may be due to the fact that they have a brother who is only 11 months older and a brother who is 5 so they have to look out for each other a bit. But when they do fight I just want to scream and then when all 4 of them are involved I just want to sell them all to the next circus. I’m sure their behaviour wouldn’t be so much of an issue if we didn’t love them so darn much and want them to turn into good people. I do wish the food on the floor would stop though, I am soooooo sick of cleaning food off the floor.


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