Why motherhood isn’t a “gap” in your CV

Right employers, recruiting? Listen up:

Motherhood is a world class training ground for organisation, leadership, communication and tenacity. Forget the Royal Military Academy Sandhurst, West Point, the ordeals of the Marines hell-week, the rigours of philosophy at Cambridge or the tensions of the trading floor. These roles are different only in the vagaries of social recognition and salary.

In any interview I can demonstrate that motherhood has given me way more in transferable skills than any “gap” in my CV has taken away.

Give me an example of team work?

Errm so operating as part of a team.. well…well…I think it would be best to talk through the set up and performance of the team I currently work with most:

Shall we start by saying that I built the team. Literally using my womb I created a team out of nothing (well…you know, not nothing, i actually created it out of spunk but thts only more the miracle) It should also be noted that I did this in an incredibly efficient manner creating two+ at the same time. I then demonstrated considerable selfless commitment to that team by allowing them to be carved out of my stomach with a knife. After which using considerable ingenuity I learnt to sustain that teams development using nothing but my breasts.

I believe this demonstrates not just a commitment to the setting the firm foundations of success for the team but also demonstrates my considerable determination, self value and willingness to get my boobs out in public for a good cause.

In that teams first year my greatest success was not getting divorced. I put it to you that any candidate who can maintain a good working relationship whilst covered in bodily fluid, having undergone 6 months of intense sleep deprivation, an acute financial depression and the complete loss of ones dignity, can grow and maintain the loyal customer relationships your company needs.

As I enter my second year I feel it is worth noting that I am doing so against the back drop of two major challenges:

Two of my team are currently only able to say NO.

The remaining team member is absent with work – for 8 months.

This however has not hampered success. (you will of course here hope you employer understands that everyone getting dressed, not biting each other and then going to bed is your metric for success!)

Give me an example of a challenge and how you over came it?

Well only last week I went out for lunch. I believe this demonstrated the following:

Considerable negotiation skills: 2 weeks of fractious negotiation with the uninitiated masses of the ‘i don’t have any children yet’ friends to ensure lunch now fell at socially less acceptable time of 3pm and therefore after nap time in order avoid the break down of society as we know it.

The ability to effectively explain why the routine is so important to anyone outside the multiples world, is neigh on impossible and should be considered the gold standard in persuasion.

First class organisational skills: Contingency planning (6 sets of clean clothes, medicines, comforters, alternative comforters, food, utensils, play things bla bla bla), map recce of parking, toilets, double buggy access etc etc… when your whole plan can fall apart due to the lack of a 20 pence coin for the parking meter you get kind of good at covering all the details…and all eventualities… in all weather types…against all enemy’s…that sort of skill, employer dear, is not to be sniffed at.

High end multitasking: Performed socially acceptable conversion while wondering if boobs were leaking whilst simultaneously sorting out potential choking incident, kissing better a banged head, finding rabbit. The immediately smoothed over a case of actual bodily harm and resulting diplomatic fallout before resuming seamless adult conversation about politics and monitoring phone for gas man… and you know…actually eating my lunch all before a child shouted : I NEED A POO!

MI5 these are the social adept operatives you need. Diffusing a bomb on route to find another napkin for spilt juice would have been a doddle.

Give me an example of where you have shown the ability to operate under pressure?

I have an unblemished record of organising, prioritising and implementing policy (The 1, 2, 3 Policy is basically a policy so difficult to implement with 2+ that I have taken to using different languages for different children in order not to undermine their ability to learnt to count properly …1 for you, now 1 for you, now 2 for you, 2 for him,,,,,arrgh) under considerable pressure much of it within the context of life and death decision making.

Take for example the two house moves, four international flights or one 15 hrs journey conducted in the rain when my children screamed solidly for 3 hours on a traffic jam on the M4. You may not know it but the woman who can sing Old MacDonald for 2.5 hours straight is the kind of woman who has the tenacity and dogmatic outlook you need.

How committed are you pursuing a role with us?

Utterly committed. I have spent the best part of my 7 month pregnancy and the 2 subsequent years of motherhood considering the pros and cons of applying for a job after I had children.

Your company represents blend of opportunity for me which I have considered at 3am every night for weeks now: the an unparalleled freedom, joy, good hair and justification to leave my own offspring with someone else weighted up against a deep fundamental guilt and uncertainty about the rights an wrongs of not performing my motherly duty.

Did I come to this decision lightly? No.

Have I already forked out my own money in rediculous childcare costs to be here? Yes.

Am I out of my Pjs with actual make up on my face? Yes

I am committed.

What 3 words would you use to describe yourself?

Really. Fucking.Tired. Do not say this!

Here. On. Time. A considerable feat, and one which should be considered impressive against those who did not need to content with a child learning to take his shitty nappy off for the first time, or then smear it across the wall prior to departure.

So answer what you want… but if its not along the lines of Pretty. Bloody. Awesome you are selling yourself short.

Ours in not a job many people would actually apply for (diverse skill set, no sleep, demanding hours, zero short term recognition, periods of intense boredom and frustration perforated by intense fear, pain and confusion) but we have it. Its tough, we love it and we should stand prouder.

So if your going to an interview… good luck finding your car keys.

Ive just found mine “hidden” in the washing machine.

 

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