A Traveller and a Twin Mummy: Toddler Vs Hot Countries: Top 8 tips for those holidaying or moving abroad with toddlers!

So I am currently travelling in South America with my two two year olds…. yep a whole different blog with be forthcoming on that one!

However, through earthquakes, the longest flights in the world, and multiple amazing experiences the first thing I have chose to blog about since leaving is the little revealed realities of toddlers and hot countries:

Bore-off I hear you think. We get it! Drink more, wear hats and throw suncream around like cocaine in a bankers party. Fools! How wrong could you (…I) be babies and the heat could be a dissertation subject! Here are my top tips on what to really look outfor – you can take water, hats and suncream from anyone, take it from a mother that these are the real lessons:

1. Il start with my advice on hats. Yep know I flippantly threw it in there as something we have all got, but il be clear on this. Moving to a hot country – start getting your children used to wearing hats – LIKE NOW! Even if you are just planning on a holiday! Honestly your stress levels and blood pressure will thank you. At the very least it will save you the task of massaging suncream into an unruly toddlers hair or doing the labour intensive and ‘incredibly sweaty and shitty for mummy’ “shade dash dance”!

My solution to this? Welcome the “No Hat Mat”

Sartorially interdependent choices not involving a hat? No worries… but you will sit in this boring bit of shade until you chose ‘the way of the sun hat’. Took 45 mins to break my 2 aged 2 Never looked back. We also use the “Snack Mat”… saving sofas everywhere from beetrooty, pesto-y or in a bind chocolaty paws …and if your travelling and not always going to sit at a table, a great way to bring some order to dinner wherever you may be; bus terminal to mountain top.

I often think I would like to to bring in the “Don’t be a Twat Mat” but probably one step to far ;-)?

2.  Unless you are happy to throw them all out when you leave, or if you going to live there have your child look like they sweat urine do away with the white stuff and opt for darks.

Sun cream add pale clothing is an error and they may be a way of getting the stain out but I don’t know it and I don’t have time. Cream and dust hiding clothes to the fore ladies! Save yourself and buy some minutes to enjoy the scenery!

3. Floors. Holy crap who knew floors could have a bullet point all of there own but they do! So floors get really hot! When you child stumbles over and then goes apeshit bear in mind the floor is probably hot enough to fry eggs on…. likewise when you administer the naughty step…and they go apoplectic… unless afore mentioned child has been VERY naughty (joking!)!

So the floor story continues… hot country’s= tiled or marble floors. Which are really fucking hard! Honestly I don’t know how you geographically hot lady’s are not all sporting a clutch of children with head injuries!

This is not immediately problematic unless like me you have crazy children who are likely to attempt roly polys with no consideration of the floor lacking a lusterous deep shag…or you have pushers….or trippers…or ‘just because they weren’t looking-ers’… so bascally if you have children!

To add insult to injury these tyoes of evil “bite you back floors” are in the word of Bon Jovi ‘Slippery when Wet”.

Like really fucking slippery.

You child cannot know how slippery and how hard… until they wet themselves and slip in there own urine and crack there head…. not that that happens regularly trying to potty train because everyone told you “do it when its hot/your in a hot country!”

4. Nappies. Again I hear you: Yep got it, we will take nappies. STOP right there!

Nappies add… ?

Nappies and pants or a vest if its not that hot!

Prior to arriving my boys had not really seen there nappies for large expanses of time. I am sure you can only imagine their glee when being put to bed in a room measuring 35 degrees (grow egg was almost defiantly about to have a nervous breakdown and explode!)…they were left in just a nappy. The distance a 2 year lold can spread his own turd around a cot, walls, floor and self has to be seen to be believed. But nobody really wants to see that! So cold dwellers -yu may not have seen it…but taking a nappy off it easy for any child when unencumbered by clothes…just a thought!

5. Swimming pools. Caution at all times. Taking two swimming is a fundamentally antisocial activity. Accept it. My children went from wildly nervous to wildly over confident. Be careful what you wish for!

Anyway there are so many lessons on pool safety which I will not teach because lets face it your an educated woman who cares your you children…that said I am also that, and this took me by surprise: A baby rash vest is essential. Forget ‘not needing sun cream’ because you are almost certainly going to lube them up regardless…oh no the reason you need a rash vest is for friction. A teeny missile of pool related over-excitement throwing its body full throttle into a pool is, without friction, like a bar of soap.

Trust me ladies-these are missiles that can slip straight through outstretched hands and are difficultly to rescue as they flail wildly at the bottom of a pool! Not what one needs while over confident child two barrels your way!

(Just by way of a reminder … bits around pools…hot, slippy, hard: buy pool shoes!)

6. Sprinkler water: Now you may or may not be drinking from the taps where you are, but even if you are, the sprinkler water which your children my try to frolic in will likely not be from the same safe source… just think it through when you see them trying to drink “rain from the soil”!

7. Timings: You well honed routine will need to consider the “turning the car on to get aircon” time factor. I travelled a lot before having babies and have spent my fair share of time in ridiculously hot cars…however nothing prepared me for quite how hot car seats can get!Factor in at least 10mins of running time to get it to a cool enough tempterature not to actually burn your child or make them pass out! Neither are cool people!

8. Creepy crawlys. Now usually cold dwellers are given the reprieve of not having a huge amount of dangerous insects… you should try and remember that as you gaze out the window at yet another bleak Tuesday afternoon as you children tear your house apart! Even a small comfort is comfort right!

Anyway my boys are into everything.. ants-lets poke them, snails-lets bring them to mummy like prised diamonds, flies – wild calls glee in trying to catch them… all cool until you get to a country with spiders that kill people, scorpions, wasps that actual mean you don’t order ice cream anymore etc etc…

My particular burden is the brown recluse spider, think “lucky to survive” for a toddler… they live in dark corners… beloved of children, laundry…created by children, and in the sort of temporary structures a buggy in a garage might create…or behind a sofa, or in a shoe left out overnight… you can see my fear!

I have killed them in the same room my children sleep and I just know that if they had seen them they would have be interested and wanted to “play”… I am not sure what the answer is to this ‘toddler verse the world dilemma’ but if you are reading this and have any ideas (you ladies who live with this kinda thing!) please shout!

And this is me on the toddler verses the heat! Not just hats, sun cream and endless inventive ways of hydrating! Hope it helps, have fun!IMG_3675

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