The Whining…an open letter to the twins.

Dear Twins who are now toddlers…

I am writing to express my displeasure at your whining.

I feel our previously strong, albeit milk dependant relationship has deteriorated into a cup-colour related farce.

Key in this has been your deployment of a new tactic: Whining. Your single word repetitions whilst initially instilling some joy:

You have words!

I Haven’t fucked this up just yet!

This joy has been quickly eroded and replaced with the emotion that I wish you would remain mute until able to fully converse at say; university entry level english.

With this in mind id like to take this opportunity to tell you how your whining makes me feel:

Like running out of my own life, slamming to the door and calling the parent you clearly prefer anyway, Daddy to come and cater for ‘his children’. Contary to what you may think it doesn’t actually make me ‘want’ to help you. Confirmatory checks are one thing….

door,door,door , door, door, door”

yes its a door, its shut where it is usually open, its not not a problem, Mummy shut it to rid the house of the stench of burnt-i-am-a-domestic-failure food.”

dooooor ddddoooooooooorrrr dooooorrrrrrrrrrrr”

But the repetition of your displeasure at the door being closed is both mildly insulting, especially considering I may be a little sensitive over the reasons behind the opening of the door, not very polite and down right irritating.

However you should also remember that this is in the context of your brothers simultaneous whining .

“pooo pooo poooo poooo poooooooo poooooooooooo”

YES YES. I cant hear you! Having just averted a major domestic fire I think the least you could do is …. I don’t know HOLD IT!

“dooooor dooooor dooooooor”


“dooooor dooooooor dooooooooor”

“Do you want it open?”


“….ok door open”

Doooor doooor doooor... OMFG your brother wants it closed.

Half way?”


Oh my god iv committed a crime against humanity?”

You appear to be prostate on the floor cryng tears of actual distress…or rage…frankly I dont really care at this point.

“Poooooooooooooooooooooo poooooooooooooooooooo”


There is a game which you may well play when you are older…’copy cat’. In the game the person copies everything the other person does. I am sure we will meet it soon!

I can confirm that in extremis it can get so annoying you actually want to cry and rock in a corner… only the other person will rock as well… and eventually you are driven into a state where you are stood stock still in a corner with your eyes shut trying not to breath to deeply and unable to construct a coherent thought.

Your whinging has a similar effect! The fact that as twins you deploying a rigid synchronisation matrix designed at never allowing a single 5 min period to pass with out filling with “mmmmmmmmhhhhhwww” actually shows some sort of intent which I believe in a domestic abuse case (which I mow consider this to be btw) would incur a much stronger sentence.

(Oh I am on the phone…999 whats your emergency… see how you like them nenaws now!)

Confused. Use your words! What do you want! Why are you doing this to me. Your father and I, we are good people. We didn’t get training for this. How has this happened? What day is it. Why cant we just cuddle all day any more? Duck, rabbit, no duck, no rabbit, octopus…..WHAT DO YOU WANT!!!!!???

Scared. What if you never stop. There is two of you and one of me. I am outnumbered and outgunned. What happens if the wind changes direction and you whine forever and ever. They say this is just a phase but you’ve been doing it for almost 6 months now and despite making cards, reading books, endless efforts at telling you whinging makes mummy suicidal(… no I do use those words….. )nothing seems to have worked. Your not bored, we swim, we frollick (aka running round the garden in the rain because we are literally saturated in spaghetti bolognaise and I cant handle wiping the kitchen floor again. ) You are loved, hugged, bathed have no social responsibility, mortgage, in laws, needing to remember to put the bins out or a flobby tummy.

I would kill of your life not whine about it!

Incompetent. There are no doubt mothers out there, maybe even reading this who don’t have this problem. Probably thinking ‘They are over stimulated, unstimulated, tired, hungry, on the autistic spectrum… ‘ and I because I cannot accept that you are not perfect babies see that this constant distress verbalised through long whining single vowels is therefore my fault. Because I am crap. And a bit fat. And want gin and crisps a lot.

With this overwhelming response to what you consider to be ‘business as usual’ I would like you to consider giving it a rest. Just stop. Articulate and listen (you need to get with the beat on that one).

Il explain… cue the music:

STOP- think ‘what am I trying to say?’

ARTICULATE- “Mummy I noticed an airplane above Tescos I would like to get on”

AND LISTEN – “Sorry twinnies, that airoplane is at 14000ft and travelling at 800mph, the laws of nature mean its not possible”

MAMAS BACK WITH A BRAND NEW VISON – Thats this entirely rational explanation of events elicits a response not in keeping with the end of humanity as we know it. A simple ‘ok’ and return to looking for planes would do?!!

Do you think we could do this. Please for the sake of our relationship.

I love you.

Your mother

IMG_5918xxx xxx


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